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Hockey Goalie Purity Test
 
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Check all boxes for which your answer is “yes.”
Then click the “submit” button at the bottom.

Equipment

  1. Have you ever owned more than one piece or pair of any specific type of goalie equipment?
  2. At the same time?
  3. Did you play with leather pads and gloves when you were growing up?
  4. Did you ever destroy more than one piece of furniture to make goalie pads?
  5. Have you ever slept with new equipment?
  6. Have you ever slept with your stick?
  7. Do you wear a large cup beneath your hockey pants?
  8. Do you wear two or more?
  9. Other than your jock strap, do you wear some sort of brace or support beneath your protective equipment?
  10. Do you twitch when you put your mask on?
  11. Have you ever played without a chest & arm protector?
  12. Have you ever played without a cup?
  13. Have you ever broken a stick?
  14. Two or more?
  15. Do you think that your gear doesn’t smell that bad?

Fitness and Injuries

  1. Do you use your flexibility for any … other … activities?
  2. Have you ever had an injury that kept you out for the rest of the season?
  3. Have you ever had an injury that should have kept you from playing, but you played anyway?
  4. Did you make it worse?
  5. Have you ever played with a fever?
  6. Did you regret it?
  7. Can you do a Russian split?
  8. Can you do an American split?
  9. Without needing immediate medical attention?
  10. Have you ever wanted to be ambidextrous so that you could play like Bill Durnan?

Skills

  1. When someone tosses an object, do you catch it?
  2. Do you not care—as long as it doesn’t go behind you?
  3. Will you get your head in the way to make sure it doesn’t go behind you?
  4. When you are seated and drop an item in your lap, do you close the five hole and drop your arms to seal the 6 and 7 hole without thinking?
  5. Ever knock something down and catch it before it hit the floor?
  6. With your legs (in the five hole)?
  7. With your feet?!
  8. Do you like to participate in hockey skills classes specifically so you can do the skater drills and embarrass the weaker skaters into trying harder?
  9. Have you ever watched yourself on video playing or practicing hockey ?
  10. Have you ever said of a professional goalie, “I could have made that save!”?

Playing

  1. Have you ever had half your team tell you you were playing out too far, and the other half tell you you weren’t playing out far enough?
  2. Have you ever wondered what the inside of the penalty box looks like?
  3. Do you feel a little lost and disoriented whenever you skate to the middle of an ice rink?
  4. Very lost and disoriented?
  5. Dizzy and nauseous?
  6. Have you ever skated to the middle of an ice rink?
  7. Have you ever tried out for a position on a team?
  8. Have you ever been cut from or dumped by a team?
  9. Have you ever come out to challenge the shooter by more than 20 feet?
  10. Do you yell at your defensemen more than 20 times a game?
  11. Have you ever made a cup save?
  12. Did you like it?
  13. Have you ever faced a penalty shot?
  14. Two or more?
  15. Have you ever had a discussion with the posts?
  16. Have you ever stopped a shot with your head?
  17. Deliberately?
  18. Have you ever wondered why when a puck hits your mask it smells like burning rubber?
  19. Have you ever caught a puck simply because you just happened to have your glove in the right place?
  20. Did you then act as though you did that on purpose?
  21. Have you ever intentionally given up rebounds in a game just so you could face more shots?
  22. Have you ever taken a penalty because you knew you wouldn’t have to serve it?
  23. Have you ever taken a penalty to get your team to play harder?

Violence

  1. Is Billy Smith your idol?
  2. During warm-ups, have you ever shot a puck back at a player who shot on you when you weren’t ready?
  3. Did you hit him?
  4. Have you ever poke-checked an opponent’s skates?
  5. Did you get a penalty for it?
  6. Have you ever cup-checked an opponent?
  7. Did you get a penalty for it?
  8. While pretending to play the puck, did you ever check your opponent?
  9. Did you get a penalty for it?
  10. Have you ever deliberately tripped an opponent with your stick?
  11. Did you get a penalty for it?
  12. Have you ever tomahawked someone in the ankle?
  13. Have you ever punched a skater in the jaw with your blocker?
  14. A teammate?
  15. Have you ever been in a fight with the other goalie?
  16. Did you win?

Lifestyle

  1. Have you ever thought as dressing up as a goalie for Halloween at work?
  2. Have you actually done it?
  3. When you go to a hardware store, do you judge items based on whether they could be used for modifications or repairs on your goalie equipment?
  4. Have you ever watched a hockey game on TV while wearing full gear?
  5. Did no caring family member question your sanity?
  6. Is Jason’s mask the only reason for you to watch Friday the 13th films?
  7. Do you go through more Febreeze than laundry detergent?
  8. Are you an expert at making large objects fit in small cars?
  9. Have you ever made a vehicle purchase based on fitting your goalie equipment?
  10. Did you actually bring your gear bag to the dealership?
  11. Did your choose your vehicle color to match your gear?
  12. Ever driven your car in full gear?
  13. Have you ever spent a full day at work designing artwork for your next mask?
  14. Do you have a superstition that would make other people think you’re nuts?
  15. Do you have a superstition that would make other goalies think you’re nuts?
  16. Do you spend a lot of time thinking about, talking about, or playing with large objects made of foam and synthetic leather?
  17. Have you ever considered naming your son Patrick or Roy?
  18. Have you ever gone on a vacation that revolved completely around hockey?
  19. Did you bring your spouse/Significant Other?
  20. Are you still together?
  21. Have you been to any NHL arenas besides your home team’s?
  22. Do you hate figure skaters, not because figure skating is a sissy girlie sport, but because of all the times you have tripped or stumbled in the divots they leave around the crease when they practice before you go on the ice?
  23. Have you spent an important loved one’s anniversary or birthday playing hockey, practicing hockey, or watching hockey?
  24. Ever had a dream about goaltending or being late for a game?
  25. Have you ever awoken in a bad mood because you were dreaming about allowing a goal or losing a game or not making it to a game in time to play?
  26. Have you ever used your super secret goalie powers for Evil instead of good?

Good game, goalie!

Thanks to all the goalies at the Miller Goalie BBS who submitted questions and made this Purity Test possible.
 
  Photographs and text Copyright © 1997, 1998, 2002 by Timberwoof. All Rights Reserved.
Some Photographs Copyright © 1997 by Raphael Vallin. All Rights reserved.