Inspection Report: Wonka Chocolate Factory

Introduction

This document contains conclusions drawn about Willy Wonka based on observations made at a recent factory tour. Some people hail Willy Wonka, founder of the Wonka Chocolate Factory, as a brilliant genius and model entrepreneur. But there is plenty of evidence to suggest that he is a dangerous madman whose operation imperils the health, well-being, and lives of his employees, customers and community.

Kidnapper, Slave-Owner

To hear Wonka tell the tale, the Oompa-Loompas were living under squalid and dangerous conditions when Wonka offered to rescue them. The real story is quite different. In defiance of international antislavery laws and British immigration laws, Wonka kidnapped and illegally transported an entire nation and put them to work in his factory. The conditions under which they live and work are appallingly unsanitary and dangerous.

• Their bright orange skin suggests chronic hepatitis.
• Their livid green hair suggests chlorine poisoning.
• Their uniformly stunted growth suggests malnutrition.
• They are overworked—This inspector witnessed an incident in which workers feverishly prepared a company vehicle by filling its fuel tank by hand from inefficient and dangerous glass containers.
• Their propensity to burst out into song at every tragic event suggests that these poor people suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

Ignorer of Industrial Safety and Health Regulations

• Food-processing machinery has no safety covers over dangerous moving parts.
• Foodstuffs are exposed to contamination from inadequately supervised factory visitors. This inspector witnessed several incidents of visitors being exposed to great peril as they fell into food-processing machinery, contaminating entire production runs. There is no evidence that the materials produced when these events occurred were discarded.
• Workers are exposed to dangerous working conditions and procedures where they face dangers such as drowning, being baked alive, or being separated into their component parts and, if lucky, being reconstituted at only a small fraction of their original size.
• Wonka thinks nothing of using restricted substances in his food products. For instance, one confection contains gelignite.

Mentally Unbalanced

• Given to singing at odd moments.
• Often confused, subject to vicious mood swings, and given to outbursts of irrationality:
  • “Invention is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.”
  • “Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.”
  • “You can suck ’em and suck ’em and suck ’em and they never get any smaller.”
  • “If the Good Lord had intended for us to walk, he wouldn’t have invented roller skates.”
  • “Small boys are extremely springy and elastic.”
  • “So much time, so little to do.”
• Concerned only for his own health, Wonka is willing to turn over the authority and responsibility for running an entire industrial complex to a young boy.

Conclusion

Clearly Wonka is not entirely in control of his faculties. It is the recommendation of this inspector that the entire operation be nationalized and placed under the supervision of qualified managers.