Those nasty little vermin who sold out to the Keebler company and market chocolate chips give real Elves a bad name. No, generally we do not live in trees. No, we don’t squander our magic on cookies. And no, we’re not fairies!

Speaking of fairies, I will one of these years assemble a host to rescue Peter Pan from his captors. They must have drugged him or put a charm on him, for not even a lowly fairy would sell peanut butter for a living. We will break in to those Corporate Offices and make away with the greatest fairy of all … and if it turns out he went willingly, we’ll cut off his peanuts!

I just wish I could snap my fingers and make all your silly misconceptions go away … but my magic doesn’t work like that. I will simply toil away the years, rebutting common misconceptions with truth, hoping that the wise among you will see.

No, we’re not trying to “take over” or turn everyone into Elves, and no, we do not insist that Elvish ways be taught to your Man-children in school. Fear not: they are Children of Men, and that’s that. No amount of “education” is going to turn them into Elves. Your children are not going to suddenly come home listening with pointy ears to the tunes of magical harps. All we ask is that you teach your children that Elves exist, that we are sentient beings like themselves, and that we deserve to be treated with common decency and respect.

Next: Coming Out as an Elf